Winter’s Love

She appeared every winter, shrouded in a feathery hood and long white and blue overcoat in front of a café under a streetlight.  Her hair was platinum blonde with cerulean eyes that even the sky would have wanted to covet.  She seemed to be a foreigner, an ice queen who was hard to approach and rarely approached others.  Though perhaps I am a bit biased, I believed she was the goddess of ice, and flawless beauty.
It was dark and late into the night.  I rubbed the sides of my arms to create friction and warmth.  I glanced at my watch.  It was 1:36 AM and I was heading home from a conference that had discussed my latest finished manuscript as a writer.  Actually, the conference itself did not take long, but the after party was what had held me from going home.
       “Goddamn all the people in the world who are drunkards! Their hobby of drinking is going to kill them!” and by them I meant my editors. “One of these days I won’t be around to make sure they get home safely and they’ll wind up in an accident,” Truthfully I wished no such ill thing upon any human, but in my mind I desperately wished they would not drink so foolhardy.  Couldn’t they at least think about the responsible person, mainly me, who had to pay for their taxi cab fee to take them home?  It seriously burns a hole in the bottom of my pocket.  I looked up from my watch and irritated thoughts to look around.  That was when I saw her.  
She was sitting on a rock bench, her hood covering most of her face, leaning back and looking up at the night sky.  The moon hung, pale in the sky, waxing and waning in the passing clouds.  Her breath too, came and went in wispy clouds at regular intervals.  I paused to wonder who would be up at such an hour just to stargaze and look at the moon.
“E-excuse me, but isn’t it a bit too cold to stargaze at this hour?” I stuttered through my chattering teeth.  She twitched in surprise and turned her head towards my direction.  I gasped as I realized how exotic she looked.  I also realized how dangerous it would be for her to be around this late at night.  In the back of my head I wondered who this person was.  My surprise quickly melted into fear and worry.  
       “Miss, you shouldn’t be about at this hour, there are many dangerous people here in the city.”  She stared at me with contemplation.
       “Should I not be more wary of those who stop to ask such questions?  After all, who would stop to inquire after a stranger, such as I like a little lost child?”  Her voice was like clear bells that struck me through the heart.  To be rejected in such a manner, even though I was worried for her, made it even worse with such a beautiful girl.  I grit my teeth and bore the remarks that had been flung at me even though I only had good intention.
       “Feh, so every rose does have her thorns,” and continued my walk home past her with my hands in my pocket with no desire of looking back upon the heartless beauty.
I awoke groggy and hungry.  I stared up at my pastel green ceiling in my bedroom in my one bedroom apartment.  I sighed and sat up to observe my messy room.  There was paper exploding out of my garbage can and sticky notes all over the walls.  They indicated deadlines, people to call, and things to do.  My lab top too had notes stuck to the side of its frame and on the screen was my manuscript.  I had been working on it and making corrections that my editors indicated before I had fallen asleep.  I scratched my head and combed my hand through my brown locks, loosening tangles.
“Well, another day to get started with.”  I said sighing and quickly got up.
I ran out of the house as I glanced at my watch.  It was 11:23 and I had a meeting in seven minutes.  My feet began to feel cold as the snow started to seep into the top of my shoes.  The wind blew through me like I was Swiss cheese.  My jacket obviously needed to be replaced with something better.  I skidded to a halt in front of the glass café shop doors of Cat’s Eye.  I quickly checked myself and slowly stepped in.  The room was quiet and smelled pleasantly of roast coffee beans.  I noticed a few hands waving me towards them.  I walked over to my editors and sat down upon a cream colored comfy chair to discuss my next work.  
       “Alex, your work is…very promising…” I heard the hesitation and knew that I was not meeting up to their standards.
       “It’s just that, it seems to be lacking…initiative or something thereof.”  The others nodded their head in agreement.
       “There isn’t enough of a twist.  Like, for say, romance could be inserted into your writings.”  I froze.  
       “Romance..?”  Romance was something I had not experienced in its entirety yet.  It would be impossible to write about romance if I never even experienced it for myself.
       “Yes, that would be perfect!  I’m sure you can think up something like that for your story.  After all you young people have experience with all these kinds of things don’t you?  I’m sure you do, especially for someone as talented as you are.”  He flashed me a wide grin of encouragement.  I only felt my dread rise and my inability to protest sink deeper into the ground as well a slight insult to my morals.  I smiled meekly and nodded.  I hoped the lies I would soon write about would be convincing enough.
I left the café with desperation and worry as I tried to think of a plot that could incorporate deep romance that even I myself had not experienced.  I knew that dating during high school would not cut it.  Neither would dating in college.  Sure in high school it was nice and cute, but in college, it was all lust.  There was no sense of feel of ‘deep’ romance in any of my previous relationships.  I paced outside back and forth and realized how idiotic I would look to people that did not know about the dilemma I was in.
       “Hey sir, should you look so stupid in the middle of the morning?”  I turned around in surprise to the voice that had insulted me early in the morning before.  She was still sitting at the same bench, but with her hood off, she looked more like a goddess.  I turned my head away from her quickly in annoyance with blood rushing to my face.  There was silence as I pretended to look busy by thinking of something.
       “Hey, don’t ignore me.  I just wanted to apologize for this morning.  I’m sorry I was so rude.  I thought it was strange that a person I didn’t know would come up and talk to me.”  I sighed. It would be rude to not accept an apology.
       “I-it’s alright.”  I stammered.  It was hard accepting an apology from such a pretty lady.  I turned my head towards her to see what her reaction was.  It completely threw me off.  I never believed in the myth that “girls appear 3x prettier in the snow,” until I saw her smile.  I felt my heart beat accelerate uncontrollably.  Maybe writing the stories with some romance wouldn’t be as hard as I thought it would be.
       “Hey, if you don’t mind my asking, what’s your name?”
       “It’s Winter.”  
I marveled at her name.  It fit her so perfectly.  Ice blue eyes and platinum blonde hair that was so light it reflected like the hidden sun in the sky during the days of winter, coming and going.  (Later on I thought it would also match her personality just as well…)  If I ever believed in what the Greeks thought about Gods and Goddesses descending to earth in a human form, I believed it now.  Except maybe the fact that they came with more unscrupulous intentions.  
“So, are you going to tell me your name or are you going to stare at me all day long with your mouth hanging open like an idiot?”  I recoiled slightly at her insult.
“It’s Alex and you know for a girl with your looks, you seem the opposite with what you say,” I instantly regretted the snub.  She looked at me with a strange expression.
     “Wait, I didn’t mean to say that.  I’m sorry.  I’m tired and I didn’t get much sleep…”  The silence was long and awkward.  I felt uncomfortable and decided maybe I should just leave.  That’s what my defensive male instincts told me at any rate.  I shuffled my feet in the snow and sighed.
“Look, I’m really sorry.  I’ll just leave you alone now…Seeya…”  She didn’t respond.  I turned and slowly started to walk away from her.  My shoes crunched in the snow, but despite that, I heard her silence and felt my heart accelerate uncomfortably.  I remembered a quote that had stated that “Silence was everything.”  I felt I had not granted enough acknowledgments to that person.
I took off my cold, wet shoes at the door and walked to the phone on top of the stand in front of me in the small hallway.  There were three messages.
“First message,” said a female automated voice from the answering machine.
“Hi Alex, this is your landlord.  The rent is due in a few days.  Come drop it off later when you can please.”
“Beeeeeeeeep, next message.”
“Alex, its Jordan.  I know you’re usually punctual with your deadlines, but lately you’ve been cutting it close.  Make sure you get the pages done in three weeks time.  If you really need extra time though, be sure to contact me at least four days before the deadline.  You have my number so don’t hesitate to call.”
“Beeeeeeeeep, next message.”
“This is an automated message from the company that ca—.”  I pressed the delete button.  Telemarketers are such a pain in the ass.  They’re like flies.  Swat at one and find there are three more waiting on you to steal the gains.  I turned my back on the machine and headed to my bedroom to change.  
       Clothes from the days before were strewn all over the floor.  I would need to take my clothes to the cleaners soon or else it was going to stink.  I took out a basket and started to throw my old clothes in.  I started to recall the history of my clothes; my red shirt that smelled like beer because one of the drunken editors had sloshed beer unpleasantly down my front, my jeans that were soiled because a car had splashed mud onto me, and many other articles ravaged by the like of incidents.  By the time I finished, the bag was overflowing and my room looked relatively clean.  I decided the clothes I was wearing today would need a wash too, so I discarded them into the basket as well.  I pulled on a clean white shirt and hauled the basket to the front door where I could drop them off at the cleaners later today.  I was more concerned about what I would eat for lunch now.
Boiled pasta topped with tomato sauce, parmesan cheese, and a sprig of parsley, was what sat upon my white plate.  I twirled my fork in my hand and then stabbed into the plate capturing three unlucky victims.  Then I started to think about today’s events and I my annoyance started to build up.
“What was up with that girl, I mean seriously it’s not like I intended any bad to come out of it.  Not my fault she was being such a bitch to me…” I felt a little better inside about myself for justifying my reaction…Who could blame me for acting that way?  Well, maybe I shouldn’t have been so defensive…maybe.  I sighed in exasperation as I felt a stab of something that I didn’t quite understand pierce me in the heart.
“Women are so complicated.  I mean, all I said was for a girl with looks like that, she sure is haughty…Ok maybe I didn’t say it like that, but that was basically what I meant.”  That was when my creative writing drive started to kick in.  What if I was the girl?  What would that have sounded like to me?  For a girl with her looks…a compliment, right?  And to say opposite of what she appears to be…What did I think she appeared to be?  I hope she didn’t take it to say she was like some sort of easy girl…I realized that was exactly what it would have sounded to her.  I groaned.  
“I didn’t mean anything behind what I said…” I slumped forward onto the table and put my forehead on the counter.  I let out another sigh.  Why is life so complicated?!
I sat down in front my lab top and stared at the screen.  I was starting a new story arc and my editors had suggested a twist, a romance.  Right now all I was feeling was the bad vibes of a beautiful girl I had unknowingly seemed to have insulted earlier in the day.  Maybe I could just start with a simple description of the girl.  After all this was just the rough draft of my work.  My editors would actually finalize it.
She was like a goddess.  Her face was pale like the moon with glittering blue sapphire eyes…I blanched.  This was too corny.  This was like a gushing from a lovesick fool for a girl he couldn’t have.  Highlight annndd backspace.  Hmm…am I lovesick?  I don’t think I am.  With all my deadlines and what not, I barely have time to lead a lady around, let alone think about one.  My writing usually kept me busy and preoccupied, so why was I thinking so hard about the girl that was cold like ice?  I stared at the screen and tried to start typing again…
The sky was sunless as snow slowly lilted to the ground in soft flakes.  It was a dark brisk night where people scurried in and out of buildings trying to avoid the cold as much as possible.  Adults briefly acknowledged one another and slipped into cafes and stores to exchange greetings and stories of the day’s events.  It seemed to be a perfectly normal evening except for one strange exception.  A hooded girl sat upon a stone bench, staring up into the darkened sky.  Her face and body was covered by a long length pale blue overcoat and snow had settled lightly on her shoulders and the bench she was on.  She seemed to be a part of the scenery, a part of the snow that coated her lightly, a part of the winter that enshrouded her.  When she removed her hood, a rippling of platinum fell to her shoulders and cerulean blue eyes stared from underneath the seemingly sacred unveiling of her pale face.  The snow silently rested on her hair, a crown of snow for the mysterious princess that sat with her soft white audience in silence…
Yes, this fit her much better than before.  Wait…her?  Why was I writing about her in the first place?  Why her?  Why the heartless beauty that had rejected me so, and I, who had accidentally rejected her?  Perhaps it was just lust for the ethereal beauty that had so severely eluded me…In the back of my head there was a silent and definite disagreement.  Life is complicated…
I put on my battered jacket and hefted my basket full of soiled laundry onto my shoulder, starting for the front door.  The hours passing did not change the temperature much.  It was chilly and it was only 3:30 in the afternoon, when darkness comes, it would be much worse.  I tried to walk as fast as I could with my load, but slowly because I didn’t want to slip in the snow, sending my contents flying.  Nobody needed to see my soiled and dirty clothes.  What seemed like an eternity had only been fifteen minutes as I ran up to the cleaners and started to separate the blacks, whites, and coloreds.  I then deposited them into the washing machine and sat down onto the bench to wait for them to finish cleaning.  
       The machines hummed and made loud noises in a rhythmic sense.  It was relaxing.  I turned my head absent mindedly and looked outside the window to see her.  She was sitting at the same bench with her hood on, once again looking blankly up into the sky.  My heart stuttered uncontrollably when she brought her eyes back to the ground and dismissively swept the area, only to notice me staring at her.  I turned my head quickly away as if in fright of the rejection and anger I so imagined in her eyes for those few scant seconds.  Would they be cold and fierce, or speculative and taunting?  Yes, they would certainly be taunting to me, because I realize now that I really had fallen for the princess of ice and snow…
It was hard to not to try to look out of the cleaner’s windows and wonder if she was watching me with malice, or an emotion of the same caliber.  Worse still I felt that she probably did not take the apology as sincerely as I had intended it to be.  Worse still I had not known what my apology had warranted.  Perhaps I should once again go out and apologize?  Maybe it would make me feel less…desolate?  My imagination started to become wild.  She would accept my apology and maybe I could invite her to dinner.  We would talk pleasantries and I would convince her I had meant her no such harm behind the words I had said and that she meant so much more to me.  She would believe me and quickly fall in love with me.  We would make dates and rendezvous at midnight to kiss and cuddle and I would hold her in my arms… Stupidly I gazed out of the corner of my eye from my imagined reveries, a hope blooming where there never should have been.  Stupidly, I had also let myself believe something thereof could possible happen between the two of us.  It was like a game show.  The chances of winning were…basically nil…but one always kept on believing, making the ending of the game so much more worse than it should be.  
       “BEEEEEEEP, I’m sorry sir, but that is not the right answer…and that’s it folks!  Game over!”
       I sat on my bed, numbly wondering how I had gotten home and even waited through the hours of washing my clothes.  It had taken one look, one look that had been filled with daggers and hatred.  A loathing, in my opinion, that was unjustified and worse, that had cut me deep.  Hell hath no fury like a woman’s… Is this what it felt like to fall so hard for someone I barely knew?  I felt the answer rise up from the back of my mind…The moment I saw her, the moment I laid my doomed eyes upon her, I had fallen in love.  It was sick, twisted even.  Is this what a regular human mortal felt when the almighty Zeus or the goddess Aphrodite came and seduced a man or a woman…?  I felt a wave of camaraderie to the people that were long gone and dead…
       I was sitting at my computer again, staring once again at the once blank screen now filled with my longing for the person I doubted I could ever have.  I felt torn between my demanded longing from my senses and the known fact of her determined rejection.  I wanted to feel her in my arms, the slender arms that would never touch me, to whisper of love, but knowing too well her soft voice would be full of refusal, to see that my silhouette would be the only thing in her deep blue eyes, understanding, it would only hold the empty dark sky.  Yes, then this would be no romance…It would be an unrequited love, a tragedy for me, but not for her.  Her love would remain unaffected and apart from mine, while I knew that in the future I would still think over what could have been…maybe about what should have been… But all I can think of now is the thudding of a sad heart that passed the beatings of an unaware and silent heart…
       She broke his heart without meaning to.  Unremorseful and constantly vigilant in avoiding his eyes, she quickly disappeared into the world.  Later he learned that she only recently started coming to this place in the winter because the scenery was beautiful and the village, quiet and content.  How could he never have noticed her before?
      She was untouchable, exotic, and uncontainable.  She was also the bird that could never be caught.  And that in so being her nature, she flitted from my reach the moment he had met her…  Ah love; thou art the most beautiful and cruel…
       The End
       “Alex, this is beyond what I could have hoped for from your work.  Of course your work was always promising…” he amended, “but, this is positively…Why I can’t even find words to describe this!  I must say though you mistakenly put from my reach instead of his reach.  Other than that this is excellent.  It’s almost as if this really happened,” he hinted sadly.
       “Ah, I’m sorry.  I’ll be sure to fix that…” I murmured.  Yes, I thought, this had happened…
       “This story will be a new best seller, I assure you!  Now all you need to do is fix the corrections that we made on the sheets and you can begin to climb the ladder of fame!”
       “It’s not just a story!”  I said it too scornfully and the editors looked at me in surprise for my outburst, “Ah, I-I’m sorry, what I mean was that I hope this is not just another story…”  They appraised me silently and finally agreeing, apologized sympathetically.  So they had understood why I had been outraged…
       “Of course, of course, this is much more than a story…”  The rest of the conversation was lost in banter, and eventually, the meeting was over.
       I left the same café that I had once been spoken to by a heartless beauty.  She didn’t come to visit the town anymore.  I had heard that the girl had suddenly found the place unpleasant and left.  I felt that I was a small part of that unpleasantness, but that was ok.  It was ok because it was my tragedy.  My small inconsequential tragedy that she did not know of.  The hopelessness to know that Winter’s love would never be my own.  The tragedy to know this might not be my last, lost love.